2012

I’ve seen a fair share of disaster flicks in my time, but this one is so full a fail I don’t even know where to begin.  I’m still kind of numb from the experience.  My disbelief has been suspended so far, I’m going to have to file a missing persons report on it tomorrow.  Gee whiz.  WTF was that?

To start off, the first third, no half, is like a trip through the head of a 13 year old with a terminal case of ADD.  I started mumbling things like “yup, they’re gonna die”, and “when are they gonna just die already” at fairly random (yet oddly regular) intervals.

Most disaster movies have something epicly bad happen to a set of characters.  Then they battle adversity and finally triumph at the end.  Not 2012.  It just keeps ramping up, and ramping up, until your head assplodes.  Did the old monk really have to die, yet nearly the whole african continent got off pretty much scott free?  Really?  And Gordon?  Sure, he was kind of douche, but he made good near the end, and a had a Russian hottie in tow.  But they both had to die?  Right at the end?  Yet some Chinese construction worker made it, and he was only in the film for about 20 minutes?  Granted, that dude looked kind of like Jackie Chan, or was that Jet Li, nope, it was Bruce Lee, yeah, that dude, but still…

Then there was the arks.  Bigassed battlestar looking things (but without the pontoons).  I couldn’t help but shake my head when the (supposedly hyperintelligent) bridge crew said the hydraulics were jammed keeping the goatse door open and preventing the engines from engaging.  Yet there were no hydraulics, only large non-osha approved grind your ass to figgy pudding GEARS.  And hydraulics don’t tend to jam, but gears do, but we don’t want to sound too steampunk so we’ll say hydraulics anyway.  And these guys are going to save humanity.  We’re fucked.  If there had been real hydraulics operating the doors, they wouldn’t have jammed, and thus extend this steaming pile of cellulose another 30 minutes.  And they rammed Mt. Everest any-freakin-way.

So, if you get off watching the world (and pretty much everyone on it) die for 160 minutes, by all means dig in.

One Response to “2012”

  1. Maydog75 says:

    muhahahah I heard the exact same thing! Now I HAVE to see it. HAHAHAHHA

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.